I’m stuck here and I hate my life. Last time I hated my life this much I took edibles for three days straight, big doses. In the beginning of the third day I started listening to voices in my head saying things about a shadow network, and how I could work from the internet if I just tweeted from broadway and houston. I accepted that I had gone insane and rolled with it. I ended up going into work early and firing myself in front of my boss. I finessed a six month severance and got to leave that day. I got paid my exact same income for the next half year, every two weeks as if nothing happened and I was now getting paid to café. I was involved with a celibate at the time, and he had an annoying high energy dog named darwin. I took the dog to the dog park in tompkins square park every day. I felt sorry for darwin, he was half boxer and stuck with an internet invalid of an owner. Once, when I was angry, I shouted at a young couple because they were laughing at the dog. The dog had poop hanging out of its butt and looked sheepish, ears down and slouchy and scooting on the floor. I was enraged at the merry couples oblivion and happiness, and how funny they thought something that stupid was. I didn’t like the way they were behaving, mostly how loud they were being. Their shocked faces went slack like melting wax as I unleashed. I sucked their happiness away like a vampire. After shouting at them and receiving their child like apology, I didn’t feel any better, and when I look back on it I just wish I wasn’t there in the first place. Dog parks are disgusting.
The exact reason I was that angry wasn’t because of the guy I was living with at the time on east 5th street. I spent that summer at the celibates apartment, right above my ex boyfriends favorite restaurant, the restaurant he took me to on our first date. I was finally living sweat pants life in the east village, but I couldn’t forget my ex. Not just because I would see his favorite ramen place every time I left or entered the house, but because he was throwing poison darts and arrows at me since he dumped me basically.
On dog park rage day, I was particularly angry because I refused to see my ex the night before. I got an obnoxious text at night saying he was just in from amsterdam and was here for the night. Did I want to see him. Or tomorrow would be ok too. I deleted the texts and continued watching whatever masonic conspiracy video celibate was watching. Or at that time, it might have been a skateboarding documentary about the owner of the shoe company draven. The owner was gross, he has this compound and bootleg skate park but was obviously just preying on the younger women. Celibate kept calling him a cunt, and might have popped into the tv and boxed the guy if he could. Somehow conservative all of a sudden. I use to have a pair of dravens, they were like slip on vans w tattoo artwork all over them. Totally not my style but it was before the ed hardy craze so I was on to something.
I deleted the texts from my ex. Part of me wanted to just get up and go meet him right away.
I deleted them so there would be no trace of them, so I wouldn’t have to look at them and consider the invitation. I was watching tv next to a celibate who seemingly liked spending all his time with me. When I would leave he would text me to hurry and come back, tell me I was taking ages. Maybe he was sickly and codependent, but if he was then so was I.
I deleted the texts that night only to receive a long letter in the morning. I miss you, I’m sorry. I was sad in europe and can’t live without you. Not for nothing I can’t be without you. I want to date you until you trust me to marry you. I want to be with you.
I was furious. I was involved w something else and had moved on enough to stand on my own. If I was single would he be so adamant?
I’m not carefree at the dog park, I don’t have a borrowed dog I can dump back at the kill free shelter at the end of the summer when celibate gives up and leaves, crying.
I have my daughter. She’s staring at me from a tiny pink Cadillac. Now she’s staring off day dreaming like her father. I’m stuck here, I love her, I love him. My teeth and gums really hurt, and I want to sleep a thousand years and wake up when we have figured out what to do with ourselves.